2011

Wow. It's been quite some time since I've updated. More than likely cuz I'm not so sure anyone reads my ramblings. But a lot has happened and I like to see where I've come from and where I am going... So I will write.
On November 30th, I turned 21. I went to a bar with my friend, Angela. I had 4 UV Blue and lemonades and a shot of doctor. I wound up on the floor puking til 4am. Never again. lol.
Now it's 2011 and I'm ready for a fresh start!
New Years Resolutions.
1. Draw closer to God than ever before(Bible reading, Bible study, accountability, abstaining from any activities that don't please God etc.)
2. Finish school by June with good grades :)
3. Learn patience.

The fourth one is pretty big but God is still holding back details. He will tell me when all is said and done... But I will most likely be moving to Alabama, Georgia or Mississippi. In order to abandon the pain of my past, I need to escape where I have been and go somewhere and start a new life. It's pretty big but I know God will help me with expenses and really leading me where He wants me to go.

All in all, that's basically all that's happened in the past couple months. Pretty uneventful actually. lol

One Year Ago.

Wow! What a year this has been. A lot has happened. I'm sure some of you don't really know what I'm talking about so I will explain.
One year ago, I was going through the hardest time of my life. The person who I had been with for 2 years had started to get physically and emotionally abusive, we were on the verge of being homeless, I was getting ready to go to cosmetology school in January... Things were too much to bear. Then on November 22nd, I had enough of everything and broke down. Then I went to the bathroom, took 200 extra strength rapid release tylenol and about 60 famotadine(acid reliever) tablets. I told my boyfriend... not thinking he would do anything considering we had just had a huge fight and he was angry... plus he was at band practice... But about 30 minutes later, the paramedics came knocking on our hotel room door(Home sweet home for us at the time) I was so out of it, I don't remember much. I kept feeling myself going in and out of remembering and not remembering. I don't remember the ambulance ride. I don't remember that I had attempted to slice my wrists before the ambulance got there. I do remember the charcoal I had to take to get all the medicine out of my stomach. I do remember that I had to be on oxygen to have myself become "stabilized". I remember it was really late when I got to the place I would be staying for the next several days. And I remember the noise my stomach was making from the charcoal.
God saved my life that night. That's when I genuinely realized that God has an amazing plan for my life and He's not through with me yet.
God--- I thank you for this amazing life you have given me... Even with it's struggles, You have shown me to see through things and not just look at them. You are so faithful and Your plans are better than any human plan I could come up with. I thank you for the struggles of the past year. They have started to mold me into the woman you want me to be. I pray that I will never forget those moments of struggle and that you will use those moments to strengthen me and my faith. I love you Lord. I pray all of these things in your precious name. Amen.

8 days til my birthday! :)

Bronchitis/Pneumonia adventure.

So for those faithful readers of this blog, I am sorry for my lack of posts. I was EXTREMELY sick for the past two weeks and I'm just now coming out of it.
It all started with this excruciating pain in my neck. I thought maybe I had slept in some odd position(which I have been known to do) But the next day, I woke up and went to work and it was painful to walk because I had pain in my back and my legs were extremely sore and tense. They sent me home early that day so I just kinda took it easy at home. The pain continued over the next several days and I was sleeping pretty much any chance I got. Then one morning, I had to be at work at 6am... But when I woke up, my chest felt very heavy, I was having chest pains and it was hard(and painful) to breathe. I called work at 5:30am and was given a load of crap by the manager on duty. I told her I needed to go to the Emergency room but she just wouldn't let it go. I ended up telling her I wasn't going to be there and she told me I needed to be more "responsible"... Okay ______, I will be more responsible. God--- From this day forward I need to know at least 2 hours in advance of work if I am gonna need to go to the ER. Amen. I understand that maybe I should've called earlier... But I was waiting to see if I could stick it out... then at 5am, it got really bad. So I woke my grandma up and had her take me to the ER. What a woman! :)
At the ER they told me I had bronchitis and pneumonia... gave me an antibiotic and a prescription for codeine to help me sleep. I believe I forgot to mention that I had been coughing A LOT the previous few nights. I missed the next several days of work... But now I'm back. I still hate my job now... maybe even more than I did before. I'm sick of getting pushed to my limits by people who don't like me for whatever reason. I'm sick of unprofessional managers. I'm sick of the guilt trips that I get when I tell them I can't stay later. I'm sick of crying at work everyday. I'm sick of it all. I need something better... School will be done soon enough I hope.

Captivating.

In the past 5 or 6 years, I have read the book "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge about 5 or 6 times. And I always learn something new. Something new about being the woman of God that I have been created and put on this earth to be. God-Fearing. Beautiful inside and out. Relational. Strong yet able to collapse in my Father's arms. Women are not meant to be hard as rocks and tough as nails. We are meant to be this kind hearted, soft and loving spirit. Now that's not saying we don't have the right to voice our opinion. I'm just saying there are too many Christian woman out there who put up this tough exterior... me being one of them... But I've come to realize by reading and listening to this book as many times as I have, that God didn't create women to be "hard" in the core. Yes, we can be strong women... But so many women are hard in the core and that's not who God created us to be. Yes, we need to guard our hearts. But that doesn't mean women should push people away. I know way too many girls who push people away who care about them solely cuz they are afraid of getting hurt. In the end, God created us to be relational because HE is relational. We were created in HIS image. He desires an intimate relationship with us just like women desire relationship with family, friends, a significant other, co-workers etc.
But anyways, away from my pulpit now. lol. McDonalds has gotten extremely bad. And it's all gone downhill very rapidly. I get called stupid at work on an almost daily basis. And a lot of other people are treated like dirt as well. To say the least, God is really testing my patience. The other day, I almost didn't go back after my break cuz my job isn't even worth it to me anymore. I love working and making money, but when I go home crying almost everyday, that's where I draw the line. I have several friends at work who feel the same way. One of them is quitting in February. And the others are hoping to quit sooner than that. I'm hoping to finish school in January so that way I can get outta there before I'm stuck there by myself.
I played my wii today... it was kinda awkward cuz Austin's characters were still on there. I can't pull myself to delete them just yet. Trying to keep the good memories alive and keep all the bitterness away. But with time, the characters will disappear.
My dating fast is going pretty well. I'm just torn in a few different areas. But that's the whole point of this. I haven't given every part of my life to God. He would always get MOST of it... But there were always areas I held things back... which is kinda dumb because God knows everything... but I digress. I'm learning to give EVERY part of my life to Him cuz He knows the final pieces to the puzzle of my life. And let me tell ya, this time has been a very humbling experience. He's showing me how much I depend on Him for EVERYTHING. And since I started this dating fast, my hours have gone up at work. My grades have gone up in school(more time to focus) and life is improving dramatically.
Wow. This was a very long winded blog. I guess I just had a lot on the dome that I needed to put out there. Well hope everyone who actually reads all this has a great couple days... til I write again :)
In His Grip,
Jackie

21.

So in about a month and a half, I will be the big 2-1. To me, that seems INSANE that I will be COMPLETELY legal... not just 3/4 legal like I've been for the past 2.5 years. I look back and think how fast the past few years have gone and it seems like I just turned 18 and was still in high school. Now I'm getting ready to be a full blown adult. That's NUTS!
So lately, my future has really been crossing my mind. I've been doing quite well in the Pharmacy Technician program I'm enrolled in... But what will I do when I'm done with that? I'm always wanting to expand my horizons and learn tons of new stuff... I'm your typical sponge... just soaking up everything I can. But anyways, I'm thinking about going to a four-year university. I have some ideas of where I would want to go... It's just a matter of putting it all into action :)
My dating fast is in full swing... and let me tell ya, I don't know why I didn't do this sooner. I feel soooo focused. I have no guys holding me back... and the guys I do have in my life are the best and keep pushing me forward, challenging me and holding me accountable. I'm only 4 days into it, yes... But that's 4 days longer than what it would be had I not decided to do this. 361 more days... But who's counting? lol. But seriously though, since I committed to doing this, God has really been by my side... cheering me on if you will. I feel so blessed to be sensitive to what God is telling me to do... and what God is telling my friends to tell me :)

Stress.

So the past few days have been extremely stressful.
First off, I made plans to make a trip down to Illinois to see my best friend at school. I had made a trip down there recently but didn't stop and see her... So I decided to make a quick trip down there on my days off to see her. I missed her too much and she missed me so it seemed perfect. 2 hours of driving went by without any problems... just a little bit of Chicago-rush hour-bumper to bumper traffic. No biggie. Then I get off on the exit for I-80... Boom, flat tire. I call my friend... She calls a friend to take her to come help me put my spare on and get to Olivet in one piece. She comes with her friend, tire gets changed and we start our journey. About 10 miles or so later, the tire feels like it's driving funny and may be flat... So we stop at a gas station to air up the spare tire. I trust Caroll with the job... but too much air equals a broken spare tire :( We went through two tires in one night. We called her friend back and had him come get us from the gas station and take us back to campus.
The next day. Chapel. Class. Running and looking for tires... only to realize later that my rim was so damaged beyond repair that they couldn't put a new tire on without a rim. We were running on limited time as well, because Caroll had plans to go to Chicago and see Lion King. Luckily we find a TIRE AND A RIM FOR $40.
I guess my whole point of all this rambling is that I'm learning about God's faithfulness. He never gives us more than we can handle. And He knows what we need before we even ask. Truth is, throughout the day, I had been praying that God would keep the expenses under $50... He was faithful and everything only cost me $40 and I made it home in one piece... just in time for work... and it was homecoming. lol

6 months at a time.

So from this day forward, October 7th 2010, I'm making a vow with God (with my best friend Caroll holding me accountable) to go on a dating fast for AT LEAST 6 months... I'm striving for a year. I just am realizing how much I long for more of God in my life and that I need to draw nearer to Him instead of drawing close to men. God will bless me with a wonderful man someday who follows Him and is faithful. And until that day I need to ready myself. I've needed all of this for a long time. I guess I'm really realizing HOW MUCH I do.